Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
