he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize