Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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