I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
