My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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