so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
