Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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