I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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