I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
