if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Your dad touched me again.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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