margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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