if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
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They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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