hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
