I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
