Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
