Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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