There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
