do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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