I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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