Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
