if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
