i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
