Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
