His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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