the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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