dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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