What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
