Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
