This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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