I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Send help, water and tortillas.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
