ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
