I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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