I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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