im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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