Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
