Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
