I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
