I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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