i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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