Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
