Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
