I wish I could teleport
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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