Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
