Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
