it's too hot outside to masturbate.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
