I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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