There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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