1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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