I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
