So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
