please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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