im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
