Can i not drive my cunt home
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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