also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
