Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
