So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dignity is for republicans.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
