Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
