he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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