if i can run in heels then i can drive
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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