she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Randomize
